Get Genre-Bent November 11, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Uncategorized.add a comment
The Low-Rent Library has been in sort of a creative slump lately. To spice things up, I started a new game called Genre Benders. If you got what it takes, please enter here (http://lowrentlibrary.wordpress.com/2009/11/11/genre-benders/) and see if you can tell one genre from another.
Hurry. The answers will be revealed next week and we need as many guesses as possible.
My (Job) Corps Beliefs (or Father Knows Fifth-Best) November 10, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Whatever Writing.Tags: life, job, medical, career, 20s, discovery, job corps, money, money issues, money woes, administration, administrative work, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, career changes, first jobs, identity, economic, economy
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Well, it took me two years, but I finally found some direction in my post-college life.
I’m going to sign up for my state’s (Pennsylvania’s) Job Corps program. For those who don’t know, the Job Corps program is like high school meets trade school: you learn academics and get on-the-job training for things like carpentry, construction, culinary arts, information technology, and positions in the medical field. All you need is to be between 16 and 24, be a U.S. citizen (whether born or naturalized), and come from a financially-strapped family since it does cater to those who are “economically disadvantaged” (I only have four months until I turn 25, but I’m 24 now, was born in the U.S.A, and have been living in economic disadvantage for as long as I have been born in the U.S.A, so I’m going for it).
Now, my first choice was for culinary arts, since I’ve always wanted to go to cooking school (even when I was in college for writing. Why, oh, why, didn’t I drop out?) or at least take a cooking class (the Williams-Sonoma in Center City has them, but they’re expensive, only for one night, and cater more to middle-aged women and stay-at-home moms looking for a thrill. I’m single, in my 20s, and trying to find my place in the world). Sadly, the only Job Corps center that has culinary arts is in Pittsburgh. The Job Corps centers outside of the Philadelphia center do have housing for those who don’t originally come from Pittsburgh, but I don’t want to live on-campus (even though the first [and only] time I did it wasn’t that bad). I want the next place I live to be in a modest apartment somewhere in New York City (or Philadelphia, until I can get New York City money).
My second choice was doing something that had to do with computers. Again, the Philly center didn’t have any classes on that.
My third choice was a wild card choice: getting involved in a career where I have to build or repair something (particularly cars, computers, and houses). I’m probably the last person you’d expect to pick that, but I like a challenge. Besides, my grandmother is good at it and her Mrs. Fix-It ways run in my veins (after skipping over a generation with my mom). I just need an outlet and someone to guide me. Again, this wasn’t offered at the Philly Job Corps center.
My fourth choice was in office administration, since I have experience in working as an office grunt (all of which didn’t pay in money, but paid in experience and good references). Given the many offices that exist in Philadelphia, this (ironically) was NOT offered.
So what did the Philly Job Corps center offer?
Medical positions, specifically these:
You’d probably expect me to just say, “Screw it,” but, in these economically precarious times, I don’t have time to be picky. Besides, every job I applied for I’ve been rejected for someone better (read: someone more experienced). And since medical positions seem to be popular (due to people being sick all the time), I figure, “Why not?” My father always wanted me to go into the medical field (but that’s because he pissed away his dreams to do it himself) and…I had dreams of it too as a child. Guess the green apple martini doesn’t fall far from the bar counter. In a compromise, I decided to pursue a career in the medical field, BUT I wouldn’t do any nurse work (so the Nurse Aide position is out). Since I have experience in office administration, I’m choosing the Administrative Medical Assistant position, and, if my dad doesn’t like it, tough crap.
Basically I’m getting trained to file everyone’s medical problems (be it physical, mental, or, in some unfortunate cases, sexual) and be blamed for when those files are lost or missing (but I’m very careful when it comes to filing, so this won’t happen). It’s not a glamorous job, but it’s a safety net I can fall back on while trying to pursue a more glamorous job (the writing and/or cooking thing. I’m thinking of becoming a food critic sometime in my life). If there’s one thing I learned in middle school is that a person can change his or her career at least five or six times in his or her life — and I’m the type of restless soul who doesn’t want to stick with one thing forever (especially if I’m good at something else besides writing. As I said in a past post, I’m NEVER going to give up writing stories, no matter what other career I pursue and I still want to try my luck at doing sketch writing for Saturday Night Live [or create my own TV show with some help from my sister] and publishing a novel).
My orientation is next Tuesday at 1:00pm. I really hope I get it, and I encourage anyone who’s 16 to 24 and can’t really find work for whatever reason to take advantage of this. Job Corps isn’t just based in Pennsylvania. There are Job Corps programs in other states.
Your Guide to Internet-Based Diseases/Illnesses/Syndromes October 29, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Whatever Writing.Tags: blog, diseases, Facebook, flu, funny, humor, illnesses, Internet, parody, search engine, website, Whatever Writing
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Inspired by issues over healthcare reform and people panicking over swine flu, I’d like to talk to my fans (if any) about the five most dangerous diseases, illnesses, and mental syndromes that can affect you thanks to the Internet.
Snarkolepsy: A debilitating condition where a blogger known for sarcastic reviews on books/movies/TV shows momentarily loses his/her sardonic sense of humor and (*gulp*) begins liking what they review. The periods are temporary and the blogger will have no memory of what happened. Those that do will only remember small chunks of what happened.
Troy Steele’s Blogger Beware is a textbook case of this.
Like most of the diseases here, there is no cure, but there are ways to prevent it. Make sure whatever you snark is devoid of any redeeming qualities that would trigger a snarkoleptic spell. If you have blog commentors stating that whatever you’re snarking on is actually good, it’s best that these comments are erased or put under a moderation system (WordPress.com and Blogger have these options). If you can, create a blog post or side page blurb reminding readers that any comment that is inflammatory in any way (racist, sexist, homophobic, etc) will be deleted without a second thought. That way, the genuinely nice comments can get ditched along with the not-so-nice ones.
If snarkolepsy is not treated immediately, it can quickly turn into…Blogger’s Blight. Blogger’s Blight is a full-blown disinterest in your blog due to lack of material (as opposed to having a life outside the blog. This is normal). This has led to many blogs not being updated in months or even years. The only cures for this condition is to either re-energize the blog (through many successive blog posts) until it stabilizes or delete it (though there is controversy over whether a blighted blog has the right to stay on the Internet [despite not being updated in months] or be taken off the blogosphere and erased).
Search Overload: You’ve seen the Bing.com commercials — where people are brainwashed into spouting keywords from Internet search engines? Well, much like Tourette Syndrome (not to be confused with Torrent Syndrome), Search Overload doesn’t always focus on spouting nonsensical/obscene words (though this is what people think of when someone mentions both Tourette and Search Overload). Any uncontrollable tic or affliction associated with Internet search engines is considered Search Overload (such as an abnormal sexual desire for Jeeves from AskJeeves.com or Mamma from Mamma.com, being only able to see the world in the colors in Google’s standard logo [and the special ones done for holidays and special events], etc). The best bit of prevention you can take is to limit your search engine time to ten minutes (five, if you know what you’re looking for) and always keep a list of relevant websites so you can just type it out on the address bar.
Smileypox (a.k.a Emoticon Hives): Simply put, this is the overuse of emoticons — you know, the smiley face, the angry face, and these: ^__^, O_0, and <@:) — in any email or forum post. This can be cured by either trashing the email or reporting the forum post as spam. If the person objects, tell them there was a system error and you had nothing to do with it. To prevent it, just SAY what you’re feeling rather than express it with trite, little symbols. Websites that are afflicted with this disease include: The Something Awful.com Forums and any forum site (particularly those dedicated to childhood cartoons and anything “retro”). Once you register on any of these sites, the CIDC (Center for Internet Disease Control) will have no choice but to quarantine you.
Finally, we have what I consider to be the deadliest illness out there: Facebook Flu (caused by the F1B1 virus). Facebook Flu has cost many a computer-bound office worker to lose his job; many a potential employee to be passed up due to incriminating photos being displayed. Like all social network sites, it’s okay to visit these in moderation. With Facebook Flu, this moderation can easily teeter into full-blown obsession, thanks to the many apps, quizzes, games, and chances to chat with people you’ve haven’t seen in ages. I should know; I’m currently being rehabilitated for this with a cocktail of humor list websites, computer games that can be played offline, and the occasional logging off session.
This is just the tip of the Internet disease iceberg. The diseases that have just been discovered, but not researched yet are as follows:
Shark-Jumpers’ Dementia
DTD: Digitally Transmitted Disease
W00ting Cough (formerly known as “Hacker’s Cough”)
MySpace Malaise
Router Rash
Toxic Shock Site Syndrome
Software Crack Addiction
Meme Malaise
Down(loaders) Syndrome
Viral Video Infection
Forum Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
These will all be addressed on the next episode of “Your Guide to Internet-Based Diseases/Illnesses/Syndromes.”
Tales From the Darkroom September 27, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Drama Piece.add a comment
[Open on a shot of an abandoned hut in a strip mall parking lot]
Announcer: And now, Tales from the Darkroom, with your hosts, Raye Kearney, and her on-again/off-again boyfriend, Donny Shecker.
[Fade in on a FotoMat counter decorated in Christmas lights with a neon OPEN light buzzing and crackling in the background. The stagelights above turn on, revealing Raye Kearney; short, blond, and idly taking a puff from the cigarette at the edge of her lip, and Donny Shecker, tall with reddish-brown hair, slightly chubby build, and a tad more professional-looking than Raye. Both are wearing red and yellow FotoMat vests with name tags on them with white T-shirts underneath]
Donny: Welcome to our first installment of Tales from the Darkroom. I’m Donny Shecker, and this is [gestures towards Raye. Raye notices the camera and stubs out her cigarette on the counter] — Hey!
Raye [waving her hand dismissively]: I’ll get it before we go.
Donny: Mr. Brecht is gonna freak if he sees that.
Raye [sighs]: Fine. [Spits on the counter and uses the bottom of her shirt to wipe the ashes from it]: There.
Donny [turning back to the camera]: Anyway…[gestures to Raye again]: This is my co-host, Raye Kearney. We’ve been dating for two years.
Raye: One and a half, and no, we’re not an item. [Donny stares at Raye as she coughs. Raye frowns]: What? It’s true.
Donny: Well…I like to think it was two. Our childhood friendship counts, you know.
[Raye shakes her head, chuckling]
Donny [sighs, then turns his attention back to the camera]: Anyway, as part of our TV production class –
Raye: – And because my original idea was shot down –
Donny: Mr. Caupher wasn’t going to let you do that report on the cafeteria food.
Raye: Okay, so do you have a theory as to where that disgusting patch of fungus on Iris the lunchlady’s cheek went on Monday and why I tasted something hard, stale, and crunchy in my tuna casserole?
Donny [to the camera, ignoring Raye's question]: This is a piece Raye and I came up with after we got after-school jobs at the FotoMat.
Raye: Yeah. We’re put in charge of developing the photos here and there’s a buttload of pics no one picks up after they drop off their film rolls and digital cameras.
Donny: Especially their digital cameras. You’d think those would be easy to get pictures from.
Raye: I wouldn’t know. I ain’t one of those A/V nerds. [jerks a thumb at Donny]: But Donny and his brother, Freddy — they’re awesome at it. You know that sensor thing in one of the stalls in the girls’ bathroom? Word around the hallway is that it’s a –
[Donny immediately clamps his hand over Raye's mouth]
Donny: Uh, Raye, save it for the blooper reel. [Removes his hand from Raye's mouth and continues]: So, Raye and I decided to stay after hours on Fridays at the FotoMat so we can do this show. What we do is show you all the photos we get that people don’t pick up and make fun of them.
Raye: It’s like those people who use blogs to snark on celebrities or some shit, only…you know, less gay. [Donny elbows Raye in the side]: Ow! [Rubs her upper arm]
Donny [produces a slideshow projector remote from underneath the counter and hits the lights]: So…here’s our first photo. We do these at random so we can improv our reactions.
Raye: “Improv our reactions”? Who are you, the drama teacher?
Donny: Only when she’s too hungover to come in. Here we go [presses a button on the remote]:
Raye: Oh God! What am I looking at?
Donny: I think this is Coach Bennett and all the “bitches” he says keep swarming all over him.
Raye: What’s with the party hats?
Donny: I guess it’s someone’s birthday.
Raye: Whose?
Donny: How would I know?
Raye: It’s probably for Ruthie — that cunt. You know she never gave me back the $30 I lent her after I saved her from that fight?
Donny: What fight? What was the money for?
Raye: Sorry — boundaries. [squints at the photo; a beat]: Is that my Barbie couch?
Donny: Barbie couch?
Raye: Yeah. I had it when I was a kid. Then my mom sold it at a yard sale. Can’t believe the coach has it.
Donny: Come on, Raye. They probably sold a bunch of these back when we were kids. He could have gotten it from eBay or Ruthie may have bought it around the same time you did.
Raye: No. Ruthie thought Barbies were for babies. Ruthie was always trying to be cool and mature.
Donny: You’re exaggerating. Just because Ruthie developed earlier than you and had a more kick-ass 13th birthday party than you, does that make her a better person?
Raye: What do you think?
[a brief silence as Donny mulls over what Raye said]
Donny: Moving on…
Raye: Oh, I remember this! This was when Shelia Shauck was dating the history teacher.
Donny: Shelia Shauck?
Raye: You know — “Shauck and Awe” Shelia? The Hagarty High Tribune’s cure for the slow news day. Anything this girl did became news — from sleeping with the history teacher to leading that vending machine protest naked during Homecoming.
Donny: Oh, her! I hadn’t heard much about her since freshman year. Is she still dating the history teacher?
Raye: I…don’t think so. Either he got arrested or moved away to avoid getting arrested.
Donny: What about Shelia?
Raye: I think her parents sent her to one of those snooty schools where bad girls get disciplined.
Donny: Like in those movies your dad keeps under lock and key in the TV room?
Raye: What?
Donny [blushing]: Nothing. Let’s just go to another picture…[clicks the remote]:
Raye [cracking up]: Oh, my God, I think that’s Cooper!
Donny: Who?
Raye: Cooper Burgacian. String bean, kinda looks like Andy Samberg, Emo Phillips, and Tom Green had a drunken three-way…
Donny: I…don’t…
Raye: He was voted eighth grade class clown.
Donny: Wait, was he the one the gym teacher always used as an example on how to do proper exercises during the Presidential Physical Fitness Test days?
Raye: That’s him.
Donny: Oh, man. Remember when Coach Brickbreak used Cooper as a weight during the bench press classes?
Raye: Or the time that Cooper did that stripper pole swing all the way down the ropes, but he slipped and landed on Brickbreak’s head?
Donny: That was me.
[Raye's eyes grow wide]
Raye: Really?
Donny [solemnly]: I was trying to impress you.
Raye: Wow. That’s news to me. [a beat]: Go to the next picture.
[Donny clicks the remote]:
Donny and Raye: Oh!
Raye: Yikes! What’s this one about?
Donny: Who knows?
Raye: The pregnant girl looks like Maddy.
Donny: Your stepsister?!
Raye: Yup.
Donny: Is it her?
Raye: No. On a normal picture of Maddy, the stretch marks come from her midriff being flabby. [scoffs]: So nasty. [checks under the counter]: Hey, do we have any gum?
Donny: I…think there’s some Jolly Ranchers. Mostly cherry and green apple.
Raye: Fine, then I’ll have another cigarette. [produces a cigarette and lighter from her jeans pocket and sparks it]: Next picture.
Donny: Okay–
Raye: So that’s where my grandmother’s good lace curtains went.
Donny: What about her hair?
Raye: That’s her hair? I thought it was a wicker hat.
Donny: Shaped like a helicopter?
Raye: Sure, why not.
Donny: Is it me or does her partner look like one of the Wayans brothers?
Raye: What’s a Wayans brother?
Donny: Either a law office or one of those auto parts places like Pep Boys.
Raye: Is that an award in his hand?
Donny: No, he’s just really happy to see her.
Raye: Seriously, that’s an award in his hand.
Donny: What do you think it’s for?
Raye: I think we both know the answer to that…
Donny and Raye: “Worst in Show.”
Raye: Next picture.
Donny: This is the last one for the evening, so brace yourself:
Donny and Raye: WHOA!
Donny: Well, I won’t be sleeping tonight.
Raye: You can almost hear The Twilight Zone theme if you look at it long enough.
Donny: Is that the show that had the episode with the librarian who broke his glasses and he was all alone because the world ended?
Raye: I thought that happened to Mr. Geiter last week.
Donny: Minus the whole “world-ending” deal?
Raye: Well, he was alone on day one of a three-day weekend. When I found him on Tuesday morning, he was curled in a ball and crying, “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”
Donny: Man, we have some messed-up teachers.
Raye: Amen! [takes a drag from her cigarette, drops it on the floor, and stomps on it]
Donny [to the camera]: Well, that wraps it up for this week’s Tales from the Darkroom. Tune in next time, where we look at Raye’s family photos.
Raye: And, unlike Slideshow Night at the Kearney house, I won’t be trying to sneak out of it by saying I have a date.
Donny and Raye: Goodnight, everyone!
Dire Education September 18, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Previews and Coming Attractions, Uncategorized.add a comment
The Low-Rent Library and “Candy’s Blog”’s “A Textbook Case” series have been seen stumbling out of a cheap motel earlier this morning, wearing nothing but stained boxers (on LRL) and a man’s button-up dress shirt (on “Candy’s Blog”) and arguing with the concierge over their continental breakfast deal.
This sleazy tryst spawned this latest blog entry, which you can see in full right here (http://lowrentlibrary.wordpress.com/2009/09/18/a-textbook-case-3-school-dazed/).
Candy’s Blog will return soon, with more twisted, experimental writing. For now, though, courage…
Forgive My Slacking (or Candy Goes Cathartic) September 3, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Ramblings, Whatever Writing.Tags: bathtub, blog, blogging, blogs, books, canceled, casket, cathartic, celebrities, children's show, confess, confessions, disturbing, Electric Company, Facebook, funny, humor, humorous, literacy, literate, Mighty Boosh, PBS, rainbow, reading, Reading Rainbow, Saturday Night Live, slacking, television, Turn-On, TV, video, whatever, young adult
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I haven’t been blogging lately…and I’m pretty sure I made it clear in a past post that I wouldn’t blog as much since I’m looking for part-time work (still?! Yes, still. The economy has a long way to go before it can fully recover, but it’s not as bad as it was last year, so there’s a chance I might find something — even if it’s retail [but not fast food. I'm overqualified due to my high school and college education]. Besides, I can do volunteer work in the meantime to build up my résumé and get some good references) and I’m working on a mystery novel I’m hoping to have published sometime next year.
So, what have I been wasting my time on when I could have been blogging?
Well, Pokémon Stadium 2, for one. I finally got through the Prime Cup, and am now trying to beat the Elite Four and Lance the Champ. There have been a lot of near-wins, but nothing definite…yet.
EDIT: As of 9/4/09, I just defeated everyone in Pokémon Stadium 2 (the Elite Four, Lance the Champion, and the Rival that appears after you defeat everyone in the Prime Cup matches), and am now on Round 2, where I have to battle the same people I did in Round 1, but now, everything is harder.
Then there’s my Facebook. Yeah, I know. My sister (the assistant Low-Rent Librarian) will tell you that I’m the last person in the world who would go near a social networking website, which is true if you’re talking about MySpace or even Twitter (which I only use to tell people about my blog updates). Facebook was a little hard to manage for me at first, but I got into it when I found that most of my high school, college, and Catholic elementary school acquaintences were lined up around the door to try and reconnect with me. Having the detailed memory that I do, I weeded out the people who made fun of me and chose the people who liked me (whether or not I remembered them in any capacity). I even made friends with people whom I don’t know at all, but did confirm me as their Facebook friend nonetheless. And, because of that, I became the Facebook friend to Holly Pamela Cooper, sister of Bradley Cooper, on whom I have had a huge crush ever since he hosted that episode of Saturday Night Live from season 34. Yeah, I know, it’s sounds so “high school,” but can you really look into those baby blue eyes of his and not agree (Maybe if Bradley had his hair long like he did on The Hangover, but the hair length isn’t really an issue with him. He could be bald and I’d still drool over him)? Well, maybe if you were a lesbian or if guys like him aren’t your type, but still…
I’d bet it would be so very hard to be angry at him, because those eyes of his are just like that memory eraser device from the Men in Black movies: if the light’s just right and you make direct eye contact, your mind goes blank.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that: I’d hit that so hard, ten year age difference be damned. And should it be a one-night stand? I’d be disappointed, but I’d respect that decision. Just drive me home (or give me cab/car/busfare), un bisou adieu, and photo evidence that we were together (I promise I won’t let the tabloids have it), and I’ll be on my way, Mr. Cooper (and no, not Mark Curry’s character from that 1990s sitcom).
There. I admitted something I thought I’d never admit ever, even under threat of torture. And, much like the root canal on my dead left molar, it didn’t hurt (but it was kinda tedious because I’ve been bottling it up for so long).
What else has been keeping me away from here?
Oh, this: after 26 years on the air, the PBS show Reading Rainbow has been canceled (even though many people thought it was canceled years ago, particularly after LeVar Burton left), so I have been visiting two libraries in my town to check out books to read for kicks and jollies, something that I’ve been doing for years (especially when I was in school, where I was considered the sweetheart of the library, but at the same time, became notorious for borrowing books and never giving them back — at least not without a fight, usually it was the threat of paying the necessary fines) and something that’s lost on most people in this age of technology, instant gratification, and leaving nothing to the imagination. And, on a similar note, I’ve been watching clips from The Electric Company (the 1971 version, not the remake that came out this year), particularly this one, which proves that even a channel like PBS can get risqué and a tad weird (even if that wasn’t their intention, and, hey, as long as the kids are learning something…):
And to my sister, I’d just like to say, “I’m sorry for lying and saying that that sketch was from The Mighty Boosh. It actually looks weird enough to be on the ’70s-era Saturday Night Live or at least on the very short-lived sketch show, Turn On, which was so bad that it got canceled in the middle of its first episode.”
Lastly, I did a full YA book review for The Low-Rent Library. If you haven’t seen it yet, please do. And I will go back to PhotoShopping book covers with sarcastic titles. I promise.
Cosmo for Alarm #2: Sisterhood of the Fondling Pants August 19, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Uncategorized.Tags: anatomy, biology, Cosmopolitan, embarrassing, funny, indecent, mocking, organs, Ramblings, sex, stories
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From the “Accidental Orgasms” section of Cosmopolitan.com:
“I bought my jeans a size too small because they stretch, but I should’ve broken them in before class. Halfway through a lecture, my pants were practically molesting me. I had to excuse myself.”
–Casey
There are a couple of things you have to ask yourself after reading this:
1) Why is it so hard for women to get pants that ACTUALLY FIT THEM? The measurement ladies in clothing stores and local tailors don’t have these jobs because they’re cool (they’re not). Those ladies (and men) are there so they can advise customers against buying something that would better on a size o starlet who’s famous for little or no reason, not a size 28 mother of three who’s been job-hopping ever since her husband stiffed her on child support (which is the first — and last — time that the mother has heard the words “husband” and “stiff” in the same sentence) — especially in a country like America where “melting pot” describes the boiling fondue cauldron in which anything and everything (edible and otherwise) is dunked in a neon orange-yellow goo that’s been chemically treated to taste like cheddar cheese and shoveled down someone’s ranch dressing-encrusted, drooling, rotten-toothed maw. Shouldn’t someone speak out for them, or are they a thing of the past, like spats, Betamax VCRs, and going to public school to learn something remotely academic?
2) I don’t think “molesting” is a good term to describe jeans that are so tight that they’ll rub you the wrong (or right, depending) way. Makes me think of the sweaty, shaking hands of someone’s pedophilic father (or uncle…or grandfather…or male first cousin…or any male member of the family) as he tucks his daughter into bed, then thinks of the high school crush he obsessed over for all these years, and how she almost looks like his virgin daughter, and hey, “Any port in the storm,” right? Just sickening…
3) Where are these magical, mystical, one-size too small jeans that can turn a classroom lecture into a slow, sensual grind on the dance floor of one of those clubs that has foam or water raining down on all of the dancers after a certain hour (preferably midnight, though your results may vary) as you fidget in your seat? I’ve had on my share of tight pants before, and you know what I got? The inability to walk right, the fear of splitting my pants when I sit or bend over, the realization that I’m thick-thighed and have long legs (I don’t have a big butt [badonkadonk, if you will] or wide, child-bearing hips, even though black stereotypes dictate that I should. No, my weight goes to my stomach and out my large intestines, where it belongs), and reminders to go for a tall size, not a wide. I’ve heard of hip-hugging jeans, but clit-hugging jeans is a new one on me.
4) What happened after Casey excused herself? I mean, if the jeans were that tight (and, for the sake of argument, Casey had a clitoris the size of the Christmas tree light bulbs shown below [imagine those poking through your vaginal lips like an immature brat sticking his tongue out at you in defiance or indignation]), I don’t think Casey would have made it to the door without having a “When Harry Met Sally” moment (complete with one of the virgin girls in class [if any] blurting, “I’ll have what she’s having!”). Why? Because (correct me if I’m wrong), the clitoris, much like the penis, is basically just nerve endings and erectile tissue that fills with blood and becomes engorged when sexually aroused, whether intentionally or not. And what if she squirted (if she’s the type to do just that)? You can’t tell me her reputation in the social circles of high school (or college) would have survived that incident where everyone sees Casey fidgeting in her seat, she gets up to excuse herself, the next thing you know, she’s on the floor, moaning and shuddering with a glazed, kinda sick/kinda happy look on her face (and she didn’t have the fish tacos for lunch either).
Hot Off The Internet August 12, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Previews and Coming Attractions, Summer.1 comment so far
The blog-juggling act continues over here at WordPress.com!
I have Candy’s Blog: The Sweet, The Sour, and the Nutty (my general writing blog, which recently netted me a Kreativ Blogger award) and Saturday Morning Hangover (which focuses on cartoons. For all you fans out there, don’t worry. I’ll have it updated on Friday), which have been around since I first signed up for WordPress.
Now, I have two more blogs: Cosmo For Alarm (a spinoff of the now-defunct Blogger blog “For Human Consumption,” where I take those articles and “true story” moments from Cosmo magazine and blast them for being so full of shi…itake mushrooms) and my sister and I decided to make “The Low-Rent Library” into its own blog. I’ll still make it a part of this blog, but my work will be archived on the stand-alone blog (and will include some work that I didn’t put in to Candy’s blog — not because of content reasons, but because most of the extra stuff I don’t exactly consider my A-material).
And the Kreativ Blog Award Goes To… August 10, 2009
Posted by lauriedoublevie24 in Ramblings, Summer, Uncategorized.1 comment so far
Canais (mispronounced as “Can-ay” or “Can-ay-is,” as it has been for near a quarter of my life [really pronounced "Can-i-ees"]) Young for “Candy’s Blog: The Sweet, The Sour, and the Nutty”!
This is Canais’s first nomination and first win!
Oh, man! I was *not* expecting this award.
I thought my blogging wouldn’t amount to anything. But, this award, tells me to keep going and sooner or later, I will have a following.
Come see my website here (http://lauriedoublevie24.wordpress.com). I also have a cartoon-themed one called Saturday Morning Hangover (http://satamhangover.wordpress.com).
And now, for my seven favorite things and favorite blogs:
Seven Favorite Things:
1) Remixing kids’ movies (You can see some of my work at http://www.youtube.com/user/FirstClassHeel; some parts have been removed due to copyright disputes) [EDIT: The link is broken as I deleted my YouTube page due to lack of interest. Sorry. 
]
2) Watching and doing “scholarly” studies of old cartoons (which is why I created “Saturday Morning Hangover”)
3) Late-night comedy shows (specifically, The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, The Late Show with David Letterman, and Saturday Night Live) – probably the only reason I (who has cable, a respectable DVD library, a collection of old videos, and a computer on which to watch and download my favorite shows) still watch network TV.
4) De La Soul – an American rap group first formed in 1987. Known for their eclectic sampling, quirky lyrics, and their contributions to the evolution of the jazz rap and alternative hip hop. Read more about them here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_La_Soul)
5) Arrested Development – another favorite TV show; this time, one that’s been canceled (as opposed to the ones that have been canceled and revived, like Futurama and Family Guy). I have every episode on iPod.
6) My 20th birthday – I went paintballing from 6:00am to 9:00pm. What more could a girl ask for (except for a shopping spree, but I’m only 50% girly-girl. The other 50% of me wants to watch crude comedies and challenge guys to sports for cash, gloating rights, or a basket of onion rings for two).
7) Chocolate – especially the fancy stuff from Godiva. If it’s drizzled or dipped on the fingers of a hot guy, all the better.
Seven Favorite Blogs:
1) Dibbly Fresh - for all your Babysitters Club-trashing needs
2) Cake Wrecks - not only funny, but educational, especially for those who have dreams of being a pastry chef, by showing them the batshit insane requests and orders that people will pay them to make…and how it can all go wrong.
3) Get a Pencil and Your Casebook – come for the Ghostwriter bashing; stay because she also trashes the TV version of the Goosebumps books and that Nickelodeon show Are You Afraid of the Dark?
4) The Bookshelf Muse - A godsend for someone like me who’s chasing the dream of being a legitimately published author and, at the same time, wants to keep her writing sharp and fresh, whether or not that dream of being published is attained. Contains writing contests and three thesauruses (one for emotional description, one for setting description, and one for color and texture description) — the latter of which is a much-needed tool for writers, whether you’re looking to land that deal with HarperCollins or want to trash that YA novel you thought was so cool when you were a preteen (I don’t use the word “tween,” because I came from a time when that word was an archaic contraction for “between”) in your latest blog.
5) Dave Germain’s Blog - Like me, watches theatrical cartoons and does “scholarly” analyses on them for hidden themes and implications. Created a comic series called The Censor Monkeys about a group of monkeys who cause trouble objecting to what each of them believe is “unsuitable” (there’s a militant feminist monkey who objects to sexism, an uptight Victorian-era lady monkey who objects to sexual content, a Black Panther monkey who objects to racism, a psychiatrist monkey who objects to content that may scar vulnerable viewers for life, etc). Here’s everything Dave has done with The Censor Monkeys thus far (http://dmgermain.blogspot.com/search/label/censor%20monkeys).
6) Glossed Over - probably the only blog out there that whales on fashion magazines, particularly Cosmopolitan. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll wonder how women’s rights made it so far if this kind of dreck (the magazines, not the blog posts) is still around.
7) Little Snarky Two-Shoes – Can snark on Goosebumps books better than Blogger Beware, and still has time to take the piss out of the other books written for the YA crowd.
(orchestra music starts)
No, wait…I wanna thank my mom, my agent, the cast and crew, and all the high school teachers who knew I’d go far in life.
Thank you! I love you all!
(Don’t believe this happened: check here –> http://dibblyfresh1.blogspot.com/2009/08/kreativ-blogger-award.html)
